Californian Kathy Murray says she saved her marriage by giving up trying to control her husband. Despite considering herself a feminist, she follows - and now teaches others - the approach of a controversial book called The Surrendered Wife, which tells women to stop nagging their partners and start treating them with more respect.
The first time I married I was divorced by 26. I married for the second time at 32 but soon found myself sleeping in the guest room. My husband and I fought all the time.
Much of our fighting stemmed from the fact I thought my husband was clueless when it came to raising the children (we had four children between us aged from four to nine years old). We also quarrelled about how to manage our finances, and how often we made love.
I was working full-time as chief finance officer for a private school and also volunteered at my kids' school and in my community. My husband was a sales rep for a construction company but I was the breadwinner and acted like I was in charge.
I didn't tell anyone I was in constant conflict with my husband. I was embarrassed, angry and resentful.
Receives his gifts graciously and expresses gratitude for him
Expresses what she wants without trying to control him
Relies on him to handle household finances
Focuses on her own self-care and fulfilment
Source: Laura Doyle, author of The Surrendered Wife
My husband often resorted to watching TV and snuggling with our pets as I'd rage at him over ignoring my needs. I mean all men want sex right? Not my husband. He wanted nothing to do with me. It was awful.
The more I told my husband how he should be, the less he'd try. I couldn't figure it out so I dragged him to marriage counselling. But that only made things worse, so we sent our children to counselling since they too bore the brunt of so much of our conflict. That didn't work either.
So I went to counselling by myself and complained about my husband for more than a year. Spending thousands of dollars, only to find myself nearer divorce than when I started.
I'd cry, fight, yell and pout, thinking he would eventually come around, but he didn't. I lost weight, went to the gym and started getting attention from men which was tempting to act on, but I knew I couldn't do that, so I'd play the victim card and sulk. That didn't work either.
Image source, Kathy Murray
I was about to end my marriage when I picked up a book called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle. I mean, they don't teach us how to be successful in marriage in school and the women in my life didn't share the secrets either.
It was incredibly humbling to recognise that I had something to do with why my marriage was failing and perhaps even why my first marriage failed. But it was also empowering.
I didn't know I'd been disrespectful to my husband or even that I'd been controlling and critical.
I thought I was being helpful and logical. I just didn't know that respect for men is like oxygen, so no wonder my husband was no longer interested in me sexually.
I'll never forget the day I first apologised to my husband for being rude for correcting him in front of the children, or the day I said "whatever you think" when I'd previously been extremely opinionated about what he should do.
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I had trained my husband to ask my permission for everything. And then complained about it for a year in counselling that he couldn't make simple decisions!
I relinquished control of my husband's life, choices and decisions and instead I focused on my own happiness. I was no longer acting like his mother and started acting like his lover.
We were fighting less and less and my husband started reaching out to hold my hand or pull me in for a kiss.
I had no idea that I was responsible for my own happiness. I thought my husband should make me happy.
I've now found subtle ways of getting my husband in the mood for sex, which is far more effective than the days of begging, crying or yelling about wanting it. Even if I'm not in the mood and he is, I often find myself getting in the mood just by being open to receiving pleasure.
My kids began to notice the change in our relationship too, and as a result, their behaviour improved and our home became peaceful and fun again.
Women often ask me if my approach is about dumbing myself down or becoming a submissive wife. I tell them I am a feminist. Surrendering is acknowledging you can't change or control anyone but yourself. That's empowering!
a wife relinquishes control of her husband's life. she respects his decisions for his life. she practices good self-care (she does at least three things a day for her own enjoyment) she practices expressing gratitude (thanking her husband for the things he does)
In THE SURRENDERED WIFE, Laura Doyle presents a radical and controversial approach to relationships: women can enjoy great sex, harmony and the intimacy they crave when they stop controlling their partner.
The underlying principle of The Surrendered Wife is simple: The control women wield at work and with children must be left at the front door of any marriage. Laura Doyle's model for matrimony shows women how they can both express their needs and have them met while also respecting their husband's choices.
Therefore Brady argues that women are treated unfairly in marriages, it is wrong, and women should not belong under the power of men. This fits in with Brady's main idea and purpose because it shows the mistreatment and misconception of wives. Her purpose was to encourage action and stand up for themselves.
What's the difference between The Empowered Wife and The Surrendered Wife? The Empowered Wife is a step-by-step guide to practicing the 6 Intimacy Skills ™ that were first introduced in the book The Surrendered Wife.
The background of The Surrendered Wife is that Laura Doyle was a self-described feminist and told her husband what to do all the time, and her marriage suffered greatly. When she decided to take a different approach, more in line with traditional gender roles, her marriage improved.
Pam Kanini is living in the city where she falls in love with Jim, a soldier while at a friend's wedding. Theirs is love at first sight, and very soon Pam enters a new life as a soldier's wife. Their marriage is rushed when Jim is deployed to Rhodesia for peace-keeping mission.
One argument she uses in defense of the married state is that God wanted us to get married: "God bade us all to wax and multiply," and "Show me a time or text where God disparages or sets a prohibition upon marriage." Another is that it's better to get married and have sex under wedlock than to do it outside of ...
They might be putting pressure on you in the following ways: physical abuse: threats, physical and sexual violence. emotional and psychological abuse: making you feel like you're bringing shame on your family. financial abuse: having your wages taken away or withholding money.
The Great Divorce is a thought-provoking allegorical tale by C.S. Lewis that explores the concepts of heaven, hell, and the choices we make in life. Through a fictional journey, the book delves into the nature of good and evil, the consequences of our actions, and the possibility of redemption.
Introduction: My name is Terence Hammes MD, I am a inexpensive, energetic, jolly, faithful, cheerful, proud, rich person who loves writing and wants to share my knowledge and understanding with you.
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